Friday, June 1, 2007

My Mom

I try to be light hearted, and maybe even a little witty on this blog, but if this is a blog about real life, one can't always be that way. Some history: I lost my wonderful mother just over 3 years ago to breast cancer. Last night, I had a dream with my mom in it. It was like she was really there, you know. And in a dream, you don't know what's real, so it all seems real. In the dream, it was as if she had been gone for a long time, just getting treatment or something. I remember I was walking in the dream (which is normal because I did walk up until 6 or so years ago.) I was in my grandparents bathroom, struggling to get dressed. I needed a shower but didn't have time since everyone was waiting for me. I have to say, here, that whenever I can't do something physically, I've always turned to my mom. She was my main support, my helper, my...beloved mother. I remember dressing haphazardly in a white Disney sweatshirt, greasy hair, and just feeling depressed that I could do nothing else for myself. Then, we were at the restaurant with all her family from Virginia...Dennis (her husband), Erin (my cousin), her brothers, her mother. And then she was there. It's like she was making the rounds, seeing everyone after her long sabbatical. When she got to me, all I could do was hold her. I love you, I love you, I love you was all I could tell her. Never leave me again. I need you. She says, it's OK honey, I'll help you get ready, I'm here now. Oh GOD this dream hurts me so much. I ache so badly for her at times, and it's dreams like this that bring it all back. I guess maybe someday my kids will feel that about me. I pray we have a bond as strong as my mom and I.
Mom, I know you've always been proud of me. You told me numerous times. I'm OK, and I'm being taken care of. I know you wouldn't have died if I weren't...you're that strong. I sob when I think that you can't hold your grandchildren. E remembers you. He remembers throwing the ball with you in the front yard. And, he even thinks he sees you sometimes because someone looks like you at the mall or something. Then it all comes back. L talks about you as if he knows you, and it's so cute. We all miss you.
OK, now it's time to take your advise. For all the times you told me to clean my damn room. I have a big pile of papers I have to go through before the kids wake up. And I know how you hated clutter. I am (and was) the clutter queen. Maybe that's why we butt heads so often? :) You will always be with me. Maybe God will give me more dreams. Although it hurts so badly, it feels good to have you in my arms again. Until we meet in heaven...

4 comments:

Mama Podkayne said...

What a lovely thought. I hope to be a great mom to my little one too.

Anonymous said...

I am glad I stopped by this morning, even though the g-saling didn't work out. (I found a cushion for the table around the corner at a sale...lol, God is so funny). Call me next time...I can totally relate. It hurts, but you would feel worse if you didn't have dreams and memories about her all the time. To forget would be so much more painful than remembering. Your "sis" is here, whenever. So, should I be gathering up my notorious free paint soon for those rooms???

November said...

Love you, Ang.

Heather K. said...

I know your mom is proud of you, because I'm proud of you, too. Sometime I'll share with you about my mother, but I don't feel like crying so early in the morning, so another time.